Jealousy in a Polyamorous Relationship

One of the first questions that go through people's minds when they hear about polyamorous relationships is, do they get jealous? It is always right up there along with, What is it? How does that even work? People in polyamorous relationships do get jealous sometimes.

Feelings of jealousy, when freshly encountered, might pose as the biggest hurdles to a healthy and happy polyamorous relationship. But with effective measures and strategies, these feelings can be broken down and tackled successfully. It is essential to know that polyamorous relationships and open relationships are not the same. 

An open relationship is where both partners have mutually agreed to keep their relationship open only on sexual terms. Whereas polyamory is more about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple partners. It might or might not involve sex. Therefore, jealousy can come up even in open relationships. And monogamous relationships. However, having a few tools in your backyard, ready to use, will come in handy when the green-eyed monster walks in.

The First Step is Unmasking Time

When that pang of jealousy strikes your chest and claws at your heart, take a second to sit down and breathe. I know it seems very hard, and it is, but try it. Take a second and breathe. Not the half-arsed kind of breathing where the air is gone before your lungs even get a taste of it.

But the breathing where you straighten your back, wiggle around to find a comfortable spot, close your eyes and inhale so deeply that your nose hairs get startled. All the dust covering your inner nasal area gets scraped off and goes back in, and you can feel the ripples of pleasure coursing through your brain. Not because of the dust, of course. But because, for once, finally, your brain has received enough air to bathe itself. 

Whatever it is, feel each movement as it happens. And now, you are already half distracted from the monster gnawing in your chest. Also, if my sense of humor is anything to go by, you would have had a tiny chuckle slipping out your mouth. If not, then do it for my sake.

Furthermore, look in its eye and figure out its secrets. Like from where does it come? Is it who it says it is? Or is it something completely different? Why is it here? Scrutinize whatever you are feeling.

Insecurity 

It can occur through two mediums, and like you are unlovable or wanting to control everything. And the other is the relationship itself–trust issues, dissatisfaction. There are so many reasons a person might feel or a relationship might feel insecure. And discover yours.

Fear

This one mostly rises because of the first one. Maybe you fear that your partner will leave you, or you fear the unknowns in your relationship. And you fear being left out. Whatever it is, explore all of them. Write them down if you feel like it would be too much to remember.

Competitiveness

It might arise from the feeling that something special is being lost or taken away from you. And you want to fight for it. It might arise from perceiving someone as a supposed threat. 

Envy

Maybe your partner is spending more time with their other partner (or metamours), and you are feeling neglected. Moreover, they tried out something with metamours, which you also wanted to try with them. Somehow you are just feeling neglected or envious.

What after Unmasking?

The reasons you are feeling jealous have become clear. Or at least you have started to have an idea on the subject. What now? How do you deal with whatever mess is left?

There are several strategies you could use. The tricky part is that you need to adopt a couple of these categories together to work. Doing the first one and forgetting the rest will not help. And no need to do them all at once. Take your time and work your way through them.

Think and Resource

The situation is worthy of being jealous, just an irrational reaction. Think if there are any healthy ways that you can make yourself feel better. And read, I know that seems like such cliché advice, but reading has yet to let down anyone, so read. You are not alone. There are tons of people out there who might be going through the same things that you are. There are tons of reading materials available on the internet to help you out. Like The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, Fixing the refrigerator: How to deal with jealousy, and Making Peace with Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships.

Dealing with jealousy alone is the worst possible thing that you could ever do. Talk to your partner about what you are feeling. Even if it seems like an irrational reaction, talk about it. Be honest about what you are feeling, and be mindful of how you are conveying it. Come up with solutions with them. Re-establish your boundaries if needed. Form a back-up plan in case something unexpected happens. Just let it all out. Put everything on the table. Constructive communication is always worth having. If you deem it helpful, you can even talk to a friend or an acquaintance.

Jealousy is a lot easier to handle when you are getting attention yourself. Meaning, let your partner not be the sole focus of your life. Focus on doing other activities and hanging out with your friends. And make yourself busy with something that you love. 

Conclusion

Human beings are messy creatures with complicated emotions and thoughts. Being a human is so hard, let alone loving one. So cut yourself some slack and know that nobody is doing this perfectly. We are all blindly stumbling across the forest tracks, just learning and trying every day. Moreover, there are always going to be problems in a relationship. But what truly matters is how you deal with them. As said earlier, constructive communication is always the key.

Jealousy is a feeble creature with green scales and tiny claws. But the more you ignore it, the more it grows. The more you try to hide it, the more it hardens. And the more unhealthily you deal with it, the more it expands. Stop using destructive ways to overcome it. Jealousy might be a tiny monster, but you let it, and it will burn down all your loved ones, and all that you care about, in its wrath.

Written By - Chandana C.K

Edited By - Susan Ismail