Mark Manson in his book ‘The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck’ stated, “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.’’
Let me quickly jump into the dictionary meaning of the term ‘Toxic Positivity’. It is the belief that ‘if you just stay positive, you will overcome any obstacle’, to such degree that you invalidate natural emotional responses and the person having those feelings.
It is not that I’m against positivity, I strongly believe in the power of it. If we water a plant excessively, it will die someday. In the same way, excessive positivity may make us dig our own pit holes. Read on to know what toxic positivity is, and how it affects our lives.
Toxic Positivity in Detail
Toxic positivity results in undervaluing negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial and minimization of human emotional experience. The thing is we are all imperfect or flawed, this is an undeniable truth. We need to feel all the emotions like jealousy, anger, grief, happiness, etc. We need not pretend to be positive or happy all the time. When we ignore all other emotions, we deny the authentic human experience. We would rather be named as a programmed toy or a robot.
Signs of Toxic Positivity
The following are signs that show you are engaging in toxic positivity:
1. Masking Your True Feelings
Do you try to mask all your feelings after a failure or damage in your life and complete work which is in front of you saying, ‘This is not a problem, I have got nothing to complain about’ or ‘I am great’. It is not that you shouldn’t feel optimistic but you should give yourself some space and time to feel the undesired emotions. Sometimes, we don’t feel happy or upbeat. We don’t always have the grin and bear it. It is okay to feel negative feelings when it is necessary. You should learn to express grief in a healthy way. You have to set aside and feel what you need to feel at that moment.
2. Feeling Guilty for What You Feel
Let us say you had to save yourself from a stray dog. If you are not going to take the necessary steps in escaping from its bite and think it would not bite me thinking how others would feel about your fright, you may get hurt. Research suggests that trying to push away emotions can be counterproductive. You can choose how to respond to situations or emotions, based on how helpful you think the emotions are in a given context. Acceptance and commitment theory would help people who are suffering from guilt. The trick may lie in learning to understand the emotions and being flexible about the way you cope with them.
3. Trying to Give Perspective Instead of Empathy and Validation
The spirit of giving perspective can be interpreted as useful, but it doesn’t do the job well. Empathy goes much further in providing meaningful support to yourself and others. Toxic positivity is avoidance.
Imagine a person ‘X’ is going through a lot in his life. You need not compare your situations with him saying X has problems much harder than yours which shows you are avoiding your feelings.
How to Deal With Toxic Positivity?
Avoid ignoring or stuffing your emotions
Listen and validate how others feel
Remember, it’s ok to not be ok
Be realistic
Develop critical thinking
Set healthy boundaries with anyone who passes judgment on your experience
Speak truth
Aim for balancing both good and bad emotions or situations
Try to know the difference between genuine optimism and toxic optimism. We should be realistic when it comes to positivity. You have to work through your problems and confront them. Not all problems have the same solution, a few needs to be dealt with actions but not avoidance or simple positive thoughts. Embrace the imperfect life and you will reap the rewards. Short term distractions are fine but until and unless you find yourself hustling for it, you won’t truly get it.
Written By - Sravanthi Cheerladinne
Edited By - Kashish Chadha
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