The rules of parenting have changed dramatically. Unfortunately, most of us want to be great parents but don’t know-how. The reason being we have been hard-wired to believe that obedience is paramount and defiance from children is disrespectful.
1. Tell us about your background and journey.
I love to be identified as a mother first, a counselor, and an educator then. I was clueless until high school about what I really wanted to pursue as a career. It was until subjects like ‘Child Psychology’ and ‘Exceptional Children’ were introduced and I fell in love with what I discovered each day about children.
Top of my class and the university, I graduated with a degree in Human Development. Terrified with the thought of writing my own thesis and how the education industry then was underpaid, I took up Human Resources as my major.
I struggled waking up and to go to work every day. It wasn’t something I was meant for. I kept questioning who and what I wanted to be. “A career that makes me want to jump out of bed and hoping there were more hours to the day.”
So, 5 years later I enrolled myself in college to face my fears and pursued my Masters in Human Development, I topped college again. Revelations were made, career possibilities were brought to light.
I took up lecturing at college, designed curriculums for preschools, trained teachers. It was after I became a parent, I began to realize how learning and value building begins at home where parents play a major role in shaping their child’s thought processes and personality, and I took up Parent Counselling as my career identity.
2. What led you to take up this career path?
I am who I am personally and socially is because of how I was raised as a child. When I sit to read, I often read about how parenting could affect who and what your children could and can be.
The rules of parenting have changed dramatically. Unfortunately, most of us want to be great parents but don’t know-how. The reason being we have been hard-wired to believe that obedience is paramount and defiance from children is disrespectful.
It is scary to believe that new-age parents think that they turned out fine as adults with the strategies their parents used and are comfortable using the same with their children.
In my view, each generation is different. Raising children is a huge responsibility, a privilege that decides what the world is going to be like in the future.
Everyone around noticed how different my child was. Friends and family were curious to know what is that something special I do. “I treat her with respect and never skip a chance to build a deep connection with her”, I answered every single time.
I stumbled upon this quote by Charles Raison, “One generation full of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation and with that, the world.” This felt life-altering. I wanted my parenting notes to reach the mass. I wanted to trash the old stick-in-the-hand parenting mistakes and help as many to parent their children in a deep, calm, and respectful fashion.
3. What are some common myths in society about child psychology?
- That, Child Psychology talks only about children with special needs.
- Children do not suffer from mental health issues.
- Parents with “normal” children need not see an expert.
Most assume that parenting is instinctual and seeking support for something you should be natural at, is shamed.
All of the above is untrue. Child Psychology speaks of how a child develops physically, socially, cognitively, and emotionally with every passing milestone and how society and caregivers can support to ensure holistic development.
Children do have mental health problems like stress, depression, anxieties, phobias, and graver versions of them growing up unless paid attention to. These mental health problems stem from poor parenting measures, unhealthy relationships with significant others, inability to cope academically or socially, and so on.
All parents with or without children with special needs can see an expert and seek their support and advice on how they could make their parent-child relationship more meaningful. In fact, counseling is advised even before couples plan their first child and wish to work on common grounds of respectful parenting.
4. How does the emotional expression in children vary from that in adults?
Children experience all feelings (complex ones too) similarly just like the adults do. They feel frustrated, angry, excited, overwhelmed, jealous, worried, etc.
From the day they are born, they are evaluating and trying to understand other people’s feelings through facial expressions, words, and tone of their voice.
Children may not be equipped with a vocabulary to express how and what they are feeling, but they can communicate the same via facial expressions, body movements, through play, and sometimes through appropriate or inappropriate behaviors.
It is important as caregivers to support our children in understanding their emotions, and help them deal with these big feelings as it has proven to have long term benefits in shaping a child’s mental and emotional well-being.
5. How does one connect with children on an emotional level while acknowledging this difference?
As parents, it is important for us to be that safe space for emotional expression. To note that all feelings are valid. Even the big, loud, and uncomfortable ones.
The first step into creating a safe space and connecting with children is to tune into the cues they are displaying. Identifying what they are feeling at the moment by observing their physical cues or listening to what they have to say.
Take into consideration the triggers of that emotions and label it for the child. “I see you are angry because she took the toy away from you”. Half the battle is won once the child feels understood.
Work on strategies together with the child to manage these feelings. Model them yourself. Like blowing finger candles, sipping water when angry, listening to soft music, and so on. Offer physical touch for comfort, “I understand you are mad, would you like a feel-good hug?”.
Appreciate your child’s effort when they are trying to express and communicate their feelings to you in a desirable way. Lastly, be present and resist the urge to distract them from their big feelings.
6. How can parents practice mindfulness with their children in their everyday life?
Mindful parenting is when we focus on what currently needs attention rather than reacting from our past experiences. It important to feel the difficult emotions but choosing to mindlessly act on them, can dampen parent-child relationships.
Parenting is hard. Multiple times in the day you may feel a series of emotions and situations that demand your reaction. Try not to get trapped by your emotional triggers and pay conscious attention to what’s happening.
Your child scribbles over the walls, throws food, refuses to cooperate. Identify what is ticking you off. Run through what are you feeling, label that for yourself. For example, “I am exhausted with the days’ work and can’t afford any more cleaning responsibility. This is making me furious.”
Take a 10-second break before reacting when angry. Practice breathing, understand the consequences of lashing out. Lastly, listen and evaluate the situation completely. Often, I have been dumbfounded knowing the reason behind my child’s behavior and I have regretted my reaction to the same.
In order to be able to execute all of the above in being a more mindful parent, it’s important to first connect with yourself, get to know yourself better by indulging in some form of self-care each day.
It could be as simple as taking an extra 10 minutes in the shower, going for a walk, talking to a friend, reading a book, writing a journal, painting your nails, planning date nights with your partner, anything that helps you feel good about yourself.
7. What are your tips for people who want to practice this profession?
The profession has enormous scope, although there is a lot of work that needs to be done in order for parents to let go of the shame and guilt and help them focus on fixing things when it comes to raising children differently.
Remember, it’s not the parent who is the client. It’s the child. My job is to help the parents understand the child. It is hard work when it comes to motivating parents to stay consistent with the approach suggested, to convince them that the healing takes time and they need to stay optimistic and trust us.
The graph does display a downward curve but also takes a sudden hike which is more stable, permanent, and positive. Being a parenting consultant does not only benefit the family at the micro-level, it helps shape the adults that will determine the future. So, I love my work.
8. What are your thoughts on work-life balance?
You have two hands, the first one is to help yourself and the second one is to help others. So, focus first on self-care. If you are not looked after, it is knackering to be able to focus on work and relationships productively.
Use all forms of planners - meal planners, day/week planners, to-do list booklets that can structure the day of the week for you without having to encounter any confusion and guilt.
Be assertive in communicating your needs with your boss, your partner, and your child’s caregivers. Resist yourself from overachieving than what you can accomplish in a day and limit your expectations. Plan special time off with your children, partner, friends to refuel yourself.
Children do not need their parents around 24/7. Build a connection with your child by spending at least 20 minutes every day minus any distractions. Secure attachments result in secure detachments and that can help keep the “mom-guilt” at bay.
9. Which books would you recommend parents to help them stride through their parenting journey?
No Bad Kids- Janet Lansbury
No-Drama Discipline – Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen to So Kids Will Talk – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
){kind=link}
0 Comments